


You Are Not

by thathipsterkaiya



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Religious Conflict, platonic!phan, semi-religious!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-10 15:28:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11129604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thathipsterkaiya/pseuds/thathipsterkaiya
Summary: Dan comes out to his father.





	You Are Not

**Author's Note:**

> This little oneshot is what I’d call a product of “vent writing.” In regards to my whole sexuality questioning dilemma I addressed a few days ago, I felt like writing this oneshot was the only way for me to talk about what caused it all. So yeah, thanks for reading loves <3

They were eating ice cream at this new ice cream shop downtown. Dan figured that he and his dad should go to it since his piano teacher gave him that gift card that said: “Buy one cone, get your second one 50% off!”

“I don’t have anything scheduled for tonight, do you wanna go see a movie?” Dan asked.

“How about tomorrow? Survivor is on tonight at eight and I don’t want to miss it,” his father replied.

“That’s fine! Let me check to see what movies are out tomorrow,” Dan said as he pulled out his phone and went on safari. “You really love Survivor.”

“I don’t know,” his father started, “there’s just something about it that’s always really interesting to watch. I think it’d also be interesting if you signed up for it.”

Dan snorted, almost choking on his spoonful of chocolate and peanut butter ice cream.

“No way,” Dan said firmly after swallowing his ice cream.

“You’re right you’re right,” his father chuckled, slouching his back on the booth seat. “Maybe another TV show.”

“Yeah! Like Big Brother or something like that.”

“Oh man,” Dan’s father laughed, “you’d have to act like a liberal to get in.”

Dan tilted his head slightly but smiled anyway. “Heh, yeah.”

“You’d have to act like you support those gays, lesbians, and trans people,” Dan’s father continued, wriggling his nose in disgust.

Dan felt himself shrink in his seat, his hand holding his spoon feeling a bit numb.

“Well don’t we have to treat all people equally as Catholics?” Dan asked tentatively, taking another bite of his ice cream.

“Yes, of course. However, these gays who are getting married and these trans people are committing sins, they’re disobeying the word of God.”

Dan frowns, feeling his heart thud quickly in his chest.

“What if I was bisexual or something?” Dan mumbled almost incoherently.

His father stared at his son. “Well, as long as you don’t act on that homosexuality.”

Dan just stared down at his ice cream, feeling a lump build in his throat.

“What are you saying? Do you want to be bisexual? Do you want to like boys?” his father asked in an accusatory tone.

“No, I never said that!” Dan replied hastily. “I’m just saying, what if I was?”

“Then I’d accept you for who you are, but I would never support you if you decided to marry a man.”

Dan’s brown eyes bore into his father’s also brown ones. He could feel his stomach filling with ugly buzzing wasps.

“But Daniel, I know you, and you are _not_ bisexual.”

The air around them turned bitterly cold, unlike the ice cream they were eating. It was a harsh, windy kind of cold that bit at your neck and nose and froze your hands.

“I’ve watched you grow up for seventeen years. I know for a fact that this isn’t you. You do not like boys. And even if you did, you shouldn’t like boys. You know that.”

Dan gazed back down at his ice cream.

“You don’t seem to agree with me,” his father muttered.

Dan shook his head. “I don’t, dad. I’m trying to understand, I really am, but I’m just not there yet.”

“Just remember, you follow God. These trends and cultural laws here on Earth made by men, these are not our laws. They will all burn in Hell. Surely you don’t want to join them?”

“I don’t know, okay?” Dan replied exasperatedly. “I just… I don’t know what to believe at this point.”

Dan’s father frowned.

“I’m not hungry anymore. Let’s go,” Dan said before tossing his empty ice cream cup into the trash can.

~

After a tense car ride home, Dan shouldered on his backpack and grabbed the spare set of keys to his house and trailed his dad silently back into the house.

Dan went into his room and shook off his backpack, pocketing the spare set of keys and grabbing his earbuds. He plugged them into his phone and placed the buds in his ears.

He walked outside of his room and towards the front door, looking back to see his father staring at the TV emptily.

“I’m gonna go outside for a bit,” Dan mumbled, opening the front door and exiting the house without waiting for his father’s reply. With Bethel Music filling his ears and his mind, he walked away from his house by himself for the first time.

He let his footsteps guide him down the road, his feet leading him down a small footpath straying off the road towards a small clearing looking out across a lake just in front of a small forest.

Dan heaved a huge sigh. He started trembling, feeling hot tears welling in his eyes. Looking out across the lake, he let the tears fall. He took out his phone and scrolled through his contacts before pressing the call button under a profile named ‘Phil’ with a sun emoticon next to it.

The phone rung four times before someone finally picked up.

“What’s up?” the voice said casually.

“I ran away from home,” Dan said plainly.

“Why?”

“I, um…” Dan trailed off, trying to clump words together in his head. “I came out to my dad as bisexual.”

“Oh,” Phil said, his voice showing a hint of immediate understanding.

“I think you know where this is going,” Dan laughed derisively to himself, tears still falling from his eyes.

“Yeah,” Phil replied sadly. “What did he say?”

“He said that I’m not and that I shouldn’t be,” Dan said shakily, clenching the phone in his hand.

“I see.”

“It’s just so hard,” Dan continued, his voice breaking. “I’m so confused. I mean, what if I’m not? And I’ve just been lying to myself this whole time, trying to feel like I fit in with the world when I really don’t?”

“I’m sorry Dan, but I don’t have the answers you’re looking for. Only _you_ know who you are, not your dad, not your friends, not anyone else.”

Dan sighed. “I know. I’m just so upset, it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. I mean, my dad has a point. My whole life, I thought I was straight. And just recently I started ‘liking’ boys. What if it’s all just a phase, this whole bisexual thing?”

“That’s for you to find out. But whatever sexuality you are, I will always be here to support you, okay?”

Dan nodded, his throat clenching and his face tearing up. “Okay,” he said weakly.

“Hey Dan, I have to go soon. But I’ll still be able to text you.”

“Okay. I just don’t want to be alone,” Dan said as he held onto his phone tightly.

“You aren’t. I’ll be here for you, okay? I love you.”

“I love you too,” Dan breathed out shakily. “Thanks for being my best friend, Phil.”

“Of course,” Phil said gently. “I’ll text you.”

“Okay,” Dan said. “Goodbye.”

“Bye.”

Dan hung up, leaning back on the bench and staring out into the lake. The music flooded into his ears again, the sound of the beating drum and the long drawn out chords of Florence and the Machine calming his mind.

_And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind_

_  
I can never leave the past behind_

_  
I can see no way, I can see no way_

_  
I’m always dragging that horse around_

 

**Message from Phil:**

**Stay strong, Dan <3**

 

Dan felt the corners of his lips quirk upwards into a toothless smile, his eyes still slightly red and sheening with more unshed tears. He laughed exhaustedly to himself before standing up from the bench, a new resolve filling him and refreshing his soul. He walked away from the clearing down the footpath and onto the road.

As he walked, he felt stronger and stronger.

He said a small little prayer, asking God for courage as he walked back to his house to face his father.

_All of his questions, such a mournful sound_

_  
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground_

_  
So I like to keep my issues drawn_

_  
But it’s always darkest before the dawn_

_And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back_

_  
So shake him off_


End file.
